B is for Birthday,,,

It's happening. I'm turning another year older, in less than 24 hours. What does this mean for me? Really, not much. It's not a milestone of any sort. It isn't the BIG 4-0 or anything. However, this year I'm going to make it about change. No, I'm not Obama, I'm just wanting something to change in my life, and from what I hear, change starts, with me. So here are some things that I want to change, or things that I will learn in this next year of life.

I will start off with my weight, because it's the most obvious and biggest obstacle. I'm sick of being the fat one. I'm sick of being the fat mom, the fat sister, the fat wife.. you get the picture. I'm ashamed of how I look, I feel sick to my stomach every time I look in a mirror. I understand God loves me no matter what, what matters is what's inside, blah blah. Warren loves me, no matter what size I am. He sees who I am, regardless of what the scale says. I am truly blessed in that capacity. My kids love me, this I know. They do not judge me. Though, I am embarrassed for them, when their friends see me, I'm afraid sooner or later, if it hasn't happened already, their friends will make fun of THEM for having a fat mom. I do not want that for my kids. The reason I want to lose weight has a lot to do with HOW I became this way in the first place. Confused? Let me explain.

I can remember a time in my life, between the ages of 13-15 when I would look at myself, and see an obese girl. I felt fat. I struggled with food, I struggled with how I looked. When I was 15, I weighed a whopping 111lbs. I have pictures of myself where you can see my collar bone. I still saw fat. I wore baggy clothes, and felt and looked frumpy. Looking back at myself in high school, I was the definition of frump. I didn't feel thin, although I know I was. I didn't feel good about what I looked like. I related how I felt inside, with how I felt outside. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I suppose that is normal for a teenage girl, it's not easy to feel good about what you look like, when you only see negatives. I only saw a fat, frumpy girl.

At 15, I was introduced to a 19 year old guy who would become my boyfriend. He was in fact, very cruel, and physically abusive.. at 15, I was raped. It isn't something I speak about a lot, mostly because I know it makes my family uncomfortable. It makes most people uncomfortable. The reason I'm bringing it up now, is simply to state my case.

At 15, being in that relationship destroyed what I had left of my already lacking, self esteem. I was never the same after that relationship ended. It is something I carried for many years, something I hid, something I was ashamed of, and in turn, it introduced me to the fine art of "emotional eating." This little treasure served me well. It was certainly easier to eat and feel better, than it was to speak up about what happened. For a long time I was scared to mention it to anyone, because I was afraid of people's reactions.

After four pregnancies, depression and more weight gain, I just lost who I was. Inside, I am a skinny girl with a bubbly, outgoing personality. It's the outside me, that keeps the inside me at bay. I've become afraid of being in large crowds, I hate meeting new people. I've become somewhat of a shut in. That isn't to say I never go anywhere, because I do, but mostly just to places no one knows me(grocery store,that sort of thing) unless it's family. I'm terrified of running into someone from my past. I walk with my head down, and praying that no one recognizes me. I'm always positive everyone around me, people I know, and people I don't know, are looking at me in disgust.. I would!

But..

This year.. as I turn 36, I've decided I'm taking ME back. I'm going to shed this disguise of weight and anguish. I'm going to stop believing the worst of myself. I'm going to reach outside my comfort zone as often as I can. I am finally going to conquer this.. I will.. I will! I will express how I feel, even when I feel like no one is listening.

As for the rest of the list of things I'm going to change this year;

I'm going to be more patient.

I'm going to practice listening more.

I'm going to think before I speak.

I'm going to take my dog for long walks.

I'm going to walk my children to and from school, weather permitting.

I'm going to be a better wife, a better mom, a better Christian.

I'm going to keep smiling at strangers, even when they don't return it.

I'm going to ask for help when I need it, and not feel like a failure BECAUSE I ask.

I'm going to teach my kids how to cook and enjoy it!

I'm going to try at least one new recipe a month AND blog about it

I'm going to take more pictures

I'm going to learn at least one new thing this year.

I'm going to have more fun with my family.

I'm going to make and achieve goals

I'm going to take baby steps and look before I leap

I'm going to start writing more

This is the year of change for me. This time next year, I will be half the woman physically, but twice the woman mentally and emotionally.

This is going to happen, and I'm excited for it.

And just for fun, I'm going to cram in my Music Monday choice.. My reason behind it.. I just love the song and I used to listen to it ALL the time as a child! So I hope you do too. The quality isn't great, but that's because it's OLD :)

Just Another Music Monday..

I'm copying Stef.. because she likes it when people copy cat her :)

So.. my music choice for today, is something I actually heard and saw at church this past Saturday night. Our pastor played her video during his sermon on Unfailing Love. He taught us Two key characteristics of the Love of God.

An Unfailing Love that DEFIES the norm

and

An Unfailing Love that DEFINES us

What I learned was, we as human beings have the ability to love each other as God loves us. Maybe it won't be easy for us.. it definitely won't be easy, but it IS possible. Why? Because we are made in His own image.. Genesis 1:26-27

So then why can we not love like God?

I was speaking with someone today about how mankind has turned it's backs on the elderly. I was brought back to a story I heard this winter, about a WW2 Veteran who froze to death in his home, because he didn't pay his electric bill and the electric company shut off his electricity. He froze to death. This man fought for us, for our freedom.. he put himself in harms way, risked his life and only God knows what he saw, but he did it because he believed in his country, he loved.. his country. How do we repay him? Letting him die alone and cold in his home. Where is the love of our people?

If someone upsets you, makes you angry, hurts your feelings, betrays you.. do you just shut them out and never speak to them again? If the answer is yes, I am going to pray for you. If your answer is no, I am going to pray for you anyway, because it takes a strong faith and a strong character to forgive and to "love anyway" I understand it is difficult to look someone in the eyes, who has hurt you, and say, I choose to forgive you AND I choose to love you anyway.

Loving someone in spite of what they have done, is a huge thing. It isn't easy, it isn't meant to be. We aren't God. I watched The Passion For Christ, and wept when Jesus looked up and said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" He forgave them, he loved them anyway. He was beaten and bloodied and weak and in a kind of pain I pray no one ever has to feel. Yet, He forgave. He loved.

So why can you not forgive and love the person who made you angry?

Why can you not forgive and love the person who betrayed you?

Why can you not forgive the person you have known your entire life.. saw each other through so many of life's ups and downs.. and that maybe didn't do exactly what you wanted, or needed of them at any particular time.. why can you not forgive?

I know it isn't easy, I know that it is going to take a lot of "do-overs" but God forgives us when we fail.. when we forsake him.. when we sin. We are forgiven.

He loves us.. Oh how he loves us..
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain this regrets,
When I think about, the way

I challenge each of you to look inside yourself and find the kind of love God gives us.. is it there? Do you think you can find it? I challenge you today, even if it's just inside yourself, maybe it's YOU who needs to love YOU.. whomever, whatever, love anyway

Here is my song..

Cut.. it....out!

It is a monumental day. Ok maybe for some it's not. For some this is something that isn't out of the norm, isn't something they would celebrate with photo's. However, for the Wilson's, it is. Today.. all three of my boys got haircuts.. ok yes, haircuts are normal. See, let me 'splain. Around here, I am normally the barber/beautician of sorts. I do an ok job, it's never HIGH quality, let me assure you, but even Austin was impressed with the last haircut I gave him. For HIM that's a gigantic compliment. Warren is always asking for haircuts, but I know with him, it's just that he wants to pinch a penny, so to speak. Josh, my 8 year old, NEVER wants his hair cut. I don't just mean never, I mean NEVER ever never...ever. Ryan is pretty good about getting his hair cut, although, he hasn't wanted one for a long time, so even for him, today was monumental. With Josh, Josh refused to get his hair cut, by me or anyone for over a year. His hair is very thick, and he does have beautiful curls that come out when it gets longer, and he loves it in his face etc. But it was a MESS.

See, Ryan and Josh are rock stars.. I know some of you don't know that, but yeah, they are. They are from the band 'The Flamin' Hot Cheetos', and in case you ALSO didn't know, rock stars HAVE TO have hair that flips and moves around when you shake your head or "head bang" if you will. So, a haircut was a no-no in their profession. However, as of late, I have convinced them that they could still have long(ish) hair and be head banging rock stars, but maybe tidy up their image a bit.

Grandma made appointments for the boys at a salon that Austin went to in December and got "the best haircut EVER." Ryan and Austin were stoked to go, but Josh was leary at times about it, because he liked his long hair. Soon after the appointment was made, Josh and I had a discussion about a haircut. I simply told him, either he can get one done by super rad Stephanie at the super-cool-does-the-best-haircuts-ever salon or I would do it and he'd look like a fuzzy caterpillar. I also told him he can have any haircut he chooses. Yes, I do let my kids get any hairstyle they want, as long as they are well kept and take care of their hair. So, after much deliberation, (about 30 seconds) he decided on liberty spikes. at first I was gasping, much like you are doing right now while reading that. Then, I decided it was ok, because it just fits Josh's style. He is the one kid I know, who could pull off liberty spikes. So I agreed, and he was happy!

Then yesterday.. he and I were discussing his haircut of choice and I explained to him, liberty spikes were work, and lots of hair product, and TIME consuming to "do." I then explained,that his head just won't be liberty spiked 24/7. No more brush and go after the shower in the morning before school. So, he decided he didn't want them anymore. He decided on a whole other haircut all together. He wanted Ryan Sheckler hair, much to my joy. If you don't know who Ryan Sheckler is, you either don't have a boy, or you don't know about skateboarding. Ryan Sheckler( I wonder how many more times I can write his name in this blog) is my favorite professional skater. That is, until Austin becomes a professional skater. Anyway! I digress. Josh decided on Ryan Sheckler(HA! got it in one more time) hair and Ryan, my Ryan, who was just going to get a trim, also decided, at the last minute, to go all Ryan Sheckler(Oh she did it again!) too.

So, thanks to grandma, my 3 boys are looking sharp and handsome and cute. They are all happy, even though Josh was acting like he WASN'T happy at first. I catch him checking out his new do in the mirror every once in awhile tonight. I am very happy with the outcome and I know you will be too. The most important thing is, they are happy!

So.. without further a-do (what does that mean anyway?) here are some before and afters.

On being a mom, in 2008

Our pretty prancing pony

Well here it is, the last day of 2008. What a year we had. I suppose the best way to define it for the Wilson family, is to declare it, the year of moving forward, the year of change. We bought our new home in March, something we weren't sure we would be able to do. We dreamed of it, we hoped and prayed. We are happy home owners and have settled in quite well.


Our baby, our sweet girl, started school! I sure wasn't ready for that to happen. I knew it was inevitable, but I still wasn't ready to say good bye to preschool for ever. I have had someone home with me every day for the last 13 years and it is just strange when the house it completely empty. Of course, she only goes half days, so that is making it a bit easier. A better transition. She also discovered the great fun of scissors on her long beautiful hair.. well, only one side.


My oldest baby.. he...he became a ...a....teenager! How did THAT happen? I'm pretty sure I didn't sign any papers in the hospital saying he was allowed to become a teen. But lo and behold, I have one sleeping in the room across the hall from me. He has gone into 8th grade this year.. his last year of being a middle schooler. Next year.. he will be in high school, and I will be in a padded room somewhere, so please be sure to come visit. He is still trying to figure out who he is, where his place is, not only in his own life, but within his friends and friendships. He has really made us proud with his choices he's made with his friends. The boys(ok and girls) he's brought home have been respectful and intelligent and you can actually hold a conversation with them! It's amazing. He's had a few bumps along the way, but he's always figured it out and walked away from those friendships. His grades have been great this year as well. He has been getting his homework done, bringing home A's and B's.. he has brought home the occasional C or D, but those grades are quickly changed to A's and B's when he gets whatever he needs to do, done. He's been quite responsible about it. I always knew he had it in him, it was just a matter of getting him out of that dreaded inner city school, and into this one he's in now. He learned how to do CAD (Computer aided drafting), he designed and made his own multi level video games. He has made such a change this year. Moving him away from the bad influences of his old school, was the best decision we've made. He had his first boy/girl party, he's teaching himself how to be better at skateboarding, he's grown... ahem.. taller than me. He's now focused on getting taller than Grandma.. and he's not far off! He has also found a passion for videotaping(is it even called that anymore?) short movies, that he posts on YouTube.


Josh and Ryan, aka the twins, have found a new passion for starting their own rock band... The Flaming Hot Cheetos. They dreamed of owning their own instruments and going out on the road and having concerts. Josh is the drummer, Ryan, the guitarist. Before any of this even started flowing, they made sure to come to me and ask if, once they started making money, having concerts, if they could have a mini fridge in their room and a cupboard full of snacks. Some healthy and some not. That was their selling point, that they'd have SOME healthy stuff in it, but mostly pop and candy. Not to mention, they also asked for cell phones, but only once they go on the road, making lots more money. How can I turn that down? I didn't! For Christmas, Santa came through and brought Josh his first drum set, and Ryan got his much fawned over, arrow electric guitar. Now, all they need are LESSONS! oy! I'd be happy if Josh could just find a good beat, and not the same old one over and over and over and over and over... Ryan plays the guitar like August Rush plays it in his movie. From the neck. They are quite the musical sensation.. they'll be playing the Rose Garden before we know it! Those two are quite funny. I think my favorite thing about them this year, is how close they've become. One isn't right, without the other close by. They miss each other when one is gone. It's like.. well.. twins!


Of course I cannot forget my loving husband. This year has had it's moments of sorrow and pain and confusion for me. He helped me through all of it and never complained one time. He is a great husband and daddy and he just keeps proving that to me, every day. The man he has become and continues to become makes me proud of him. He has come a long way, through a lot of demons, and his faith and love for his family really makes him shine. I really couldn't be more proud of him..

This year has also been one of heartache. Losing a dear friend.. Stacey. She was someone I never met face to face, but knew, inside and out, because for the last several years, she had opened up her life and heart and soul to us. She passed away, in a room full of butterflies, just as she should. During her fight with this brain cancer, she showed me just how strong real women are, and how, even in the face of adversity and pain and betrayal, she had the best attitude and a smile that shined through all of our hearts. She is truly missed.


Looking into 2009, I don't know what it will bring, what we will face, what we will achieve, what we will over come, but I know one thing.. the Wilson family will do it together. We are 6 strong and our strong faith in God and the support of our families, just means we will not falter, no matter what is put before us. We will come through, we will always win,against anyone or anything that tries to tear our family down. I couldn't be more proud of my family..and 2009 is going to be another defining year for us.. I can feel it!

I hope everyone has a great and SAFE New Year's Eve.. drink responsibly, don't drink and drive, don't drink and DIAL. Be safe, have fun and try to stick to your new years resolutions longer than a week :)

Wishing you all joy, peace, health and wisdom in the year ahead. Happy New Year!

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

He can't really be 10 can he?

Our second oldest turned 10 today. I am still in denial and disbelief. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting on my couch, eating a cheese ball with triscuits and watching From The Earth to The Moon, with my darling husband. When I started to feel really "off" I chalked it up to the cheeseball because, well, according to my doctor, I wasn't due for another few weeks. I soon realized, I was in labor and it was speeding up by the minute. Since I had a history of a VERY short labor and delivery (4hrs and 36 minutes with my first born son) I knew I had to get to the hospital or risk having the baby on the way. We lived out in Sheridan at the time, and the drive to the hospital in Salem, was roughly an hour, maybe 45 minutes. Of course, my husband doesn't drive, so I was reliant on getting myself to the hospital. We packed up our, then 3 yr old and off we went. The drive there was quite a ride. My labor pains were getting closer together and a lot less FUN to deal with. I think the fact that I had the life of my child and husband in my hands, on the icy roads between Sheridan and Salem, helped me focus on the road, instead of the pain. A blessing in disguise. A few hours later, our precious baby boy was born. Ever since, he has been full of surprises. We have a nickname for him, "The Professor" because he, even at 10 yrs old, talks like a college professor. The things he comes up with some days astonish me, and anyone within ear shot. He loves to learn, he loves facts and data. Right now, as I type this, he is in here talking to his dad about the Pokemon's in his Poke dex and all their cool data. Ryan is a brilliant artist, and I'm not just saying that because he's MINE. His drawings are detailed to the tiniest detail. I can't believe he's 10 today, he is still, in my mind, the tiny bundle of cheeks and rolls from 10 yrs ago today. He is such a joy, and even at 10 yrs old, loves to sit on your lap and cuddle. Happy birthday Shoogie boogie! You make me so proud to be your mom and I love you more today, than I did 10 yrs ago, which is saying alot, because I didn't know I could love you anymore than I did that second they first laid you in my arms all slippery and gooey. I hope this year of being 10 goes exactly the way you want it to. I hope your rock band goes gold, after all, there is no better band known to man than The Flaming Hot Cheetos! I love you very much, and being your mom has been such a joy, such an honor. You are precious and loved and adored and admired. I hope you know that. Happy birthday Ryan Michael!

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Prayer is power

I've been following this story for months, since August actually and I really just want to continue to spread the word, because the more people praying for this beautiful husband and wife, the better. I was going to post their story, and the link to the blog she had and the one her sister does, because they truly are a beautiful family and their faith, inspires me every day. Instead I'm going to link you to the newspaper article, because it was beautifully written and it tells the entire story, including the love and sacrifice of their families.

After Fiery Plane crash, a sister is held even closer

Here is the link to Courtney's blog, a must read

I encourage you to read those, and say a prayer and then pass the story on.

If 9 yr olds could vote

My son Ryan came to me today and said, very seriously

"Mom, if I could vote, I'd definitely vote for Bronco Bahama"

I am still laughing! Kids are so funny