Truth is...

I don't ever want you to be mistaken about me. I am what most people would consider a happy woman. I'm surrounded by a family that loves me. I have a husband that still looks at me like he's newly in love. My kids are funny and creative and ornery and interesting. They're all genius in their own way. I could go on for days about my kids! We live a typical suburban life. I consider myself a Christian in process. Meaning only that I am forever growing in my faith. In my understanding of what the Bible really means. I'm learning every day how to pray for myself and my family. However, I'm not the kind of person who looks at a situation and instantly finds Jesus in it. Sometimes I swear. Sometimes I make fun of people, not always to their face. I often disagree with other Christian's on religion, gay rights and whether or not we should ever get divorced. I have my opinions on abortions and sex before marriage. I have a whole slew of opinions that would make my pastor gasp!

What I believe is, God loves us so much He sent us His only Son to die in place of us, for the sins we just won't stop committing. I believe Jesus died for me (and you too) and that He loves us. ALL of us. Even the people doing time on death row for murder. Even that homeless man who flies a piece of cardboard that says "Anything helps." Even you, on your worst day, when you scream the "F" word at the driver who cut you off in traffic.

I used to care what people would think of me if they knew my life story. I used to be afraid to tell people the things in my life that aren't happy and shiny. Ask me and I will share my testimony with you, because I do have one. We all have one. If you ask me, be prepared to listen because I will tell you, in detail what I went through, what I've overcome and how I prevailed. I will share with you how God has taught me more than all my years in school.

What I'm really beginning to understand is that what really truly matters is my walk with God and the people who surround me every day. The 5 other people who make up my family. They are the ones I most value. They are the ones I cling to and want to hide away with when things in my life aren't pretty and shiny. No one makes me laugh as much as my husband and children. No man on this earth makes me feel more loved, more alive than the man I married over 17 years ago. My kids make me more proud than I ever dreamed. What matters is them. What matters is Jesus. As long as I have my family and Jesus in my circle, I can get through the worst of times.

I am pretty certain in this next season of my life I will piss a LOT of people off. I may lose friends (but if I really lose them, were they truly my friends to begin with?). The truth is, I can only be me. And, I am learning who that is more and more each and every day. I won't ever pretend I'm perfect or have all the answers, but what I can promise is I am always just me.

Mary Christmas

My mind has been consumed this year by thoughts of Mary. As a mom, a wife, as a woman, I cannot imagine how Mary must have felt when she was chosen to carry the Christ child! Our savior... her savior. How must she have felt knowing she was solely responsible to bring this baby into the world. How would I feel knowing my precious baby boy was going to save the lives of everyone who followed Him? How she must have felt knowing people would FOLLOW her son and be saved. The pride, but also the fear of knowing what the end would be. Giving birth knowing you would then watch him tortured and then killed. We try to remember what Christ did for us. How he wiped away our sins. How no matter where we are or what we're doing, God is with us. But those days Jesus walked the earth, he felt pain and sadness, happiness and hunger. He felt thirst and merriment. Do we ever stop and think about Mary? The sacrifice SHE gave to us. As a mom it breaks my heart imagining those days leading up to his crucifixion. How her heart must have broken. How her momma bear instincts must have been in over drive, but being unable to do anything because this is why He was born. This year, I am celebrating the birth of our Savior. But I am also celebrating Mary's greatest gift to the world. Her sacrifice. In the whole scheme of things it isn't like she had a choice right? I like to believe that even though she knew the ending, she knew what the greater outcome would be. Her son would save the world, with his death and resurrection. He gave up the crown for a cradle, for us. Read my renditions of each person on the night of Christ's birth.

Through the eyes of the donkey

Through the eyes of the innkeeper

Through the eyes of Joseph

Through the eyes of Mary

Through the eyes of Jesus

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. Remember.. it's not about the presents, it's about being present.

Grandma's table...

Most of you see a table, I see a legend, a piece of history. I see love and laughter, tears and sadness beginnings and endings. I see a member of my family. This is(was) my grandmother's table. We all grew up around it. Her children, her grandchildren and great grandchildren. I remember weekends staying with grandma and grandpa and having breakfast,lunch and dinner around this table. Grandma taught me how to play Crazy 8's and King's Corner, snap beans and grind walnuts around this table. The countless poker and cribbage games.

We had many a holiday and birthday meal around this table. The birthday cakes and horrible renditions of the birthday song this table heard over the years.

When I was a confused, scared and unmarried(but engaged) mother to be, I sat at this table and cried to my grandma that everyone was mad at me for being unmarried(but engaged) and pregnant. (only a slight hormonal over exaggeration) Grandma told me she loved me, and that it was all going to be ok, and I believed her and it was. This is the table we sat at when grandpa died. I sat by my uncle Pat while he fixed a hair dryer and talked about "finding" grandpa. I still remember the stoic look on his face. I believe every bit of history long forgotten and never forgotten are engrained in the wood. The hearts of the people that sat around it and talked and laughed and cried, are all still a part of it. I cherish this table and every time I see it in my dining room I can almost see grandma or grandpa sitting there at the head of the table, looking out the window. I will never see this as "just a table." I am so thankful it resides with me and can be passed on to her great(or even great great) grandchildren some day. The new memories we are creating around it will only add to it's charm and beauty, What a beautiful gift.

Forgiving a Monster?

Just needed to get this off my chest.

I recently saw an episode of a television show where a woman was raped. The horror she lived after the rape, the feelings she carried..all of it are real. I know the show has writers and actors, but the emotion, the terror, the pain, both emotional and physical that the character portrayed is something I have lived.

The episode I watched today, she was able to face her attacker and break him down in her mind from a big horrible monster, into the pathetic little man that he is. I never gave myself that opportunity.. My circumstances were different, way different, but the core issue is the same. She forgave him. She forgave him not for him.. but for herself. I remember that feeling.. I remember the day I was able to lift myself out of the shame, self blame and self pity of what happened to me, to stare him down in my mind and forgive him for what he did to me, for what he took from me as a 15 yr old child. The forgiveness set me free in so many ways. I can truly live a life knowing what true forgiveness means.. what it feels like to the very core of your gut.

Jesus does the same for us. I get it. He forgives.. even the monsters of the world, He forgives them.

Forgiveness isn't something that comes easily. It isn't always something that comes right away.. mine came at the age of 28.. when I was finally able to feel strong enough to face that demon and truly forgive what was done to me.

I am not really sure what this is going to accomplish, or who it will reach.. but for today, this is just for me. Forgiving someone for something they have done, whether it's done to or against you, is a true gift to yourself. I'm sure that Jesus cringes when we do wrong, but He loves us enough to forgive us. I loved myself enough to forgive someone else. That is the greatest gift I've ever given myself.

Push me down, build me up

It seems I am being attacked. It started Friday, and I have been struggling ever since. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on it, another stronger attack last night. This time, it brought me to my knees. Thankfully, I was at church. During worship. I just became overwhelmed, stopped singing and fell to my seat and started praying for God's cover and his strength. I just kept repeating, I need You, I need You, I need You. While I was saying that, this came to me and I wrote it down, and I'm going to write it here, so I can come back to it whenever I need to..

Lord, I run to the cross. You are the only One who can help me. You are my strength and my Savior, without you I am weak. I need You and You are there. I cry out, it's You who comes running. It is You who never leaves or makes fun of me in my moments of weakness, instead you reach out to me and say "It WILL be ok" and I believe You. I believe only You.

I wrote that last night, and then was reminded of these Psalms this morning by a friend of mine..(thank you Kelsey)

Psalms 54
Save me, O God, by your name;
vindicate me by your might. Hear my prayer, O God;
listen to the words of my mouth. Strangers are attacking me;
ruthless men seek my life—
men without regard for God.
Selah Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. Let evil recoil on those who slander me; in your faithfulness destroy them. I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you I will praise your name, O LORD,
for it is good. For he has delivered me from all my troubles,
and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.

Psalms 55
Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
at the voice of the enemy,
at the stares of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering upon me
and revile me in their anger.
My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest-
I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm."
Confuse the wicked, O Lord, confound their speech,
for I see violence and strife in the city.
Day and night they prowl about on its walls;
malice and abuse are within it.
Destructive forces are at work in the city;
threats and lies never leave its streets.
If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.
But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.
Let death take my enemies by surprise;
let them go down alive to the grave, [b]
for evil finds lodging among them.
But I call to God,
and the LORD saves me.
Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice.
He ransoms me unharmed
from the battle waged against me,
even though many oppose me.
God, who is enthroned forever,
will hear them and afflict them—
Selah
men who never change their ways
and have no fear of God.
My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
His speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.
Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.
But you, O God, will bring down the wicked
into the pit of corruption;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men
will not live out half their days.
But as for me, I trust in you.
Psalm 56
Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me;
all day long they press their attack.
My slanderers pursue me all day long;
many are attacking me in their pride.
When I am afraid,
I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?
All day long they twist my words;
they are always plotting to harm me.
They conspire, they lurk,
they watch my steps,
eager to take my life.
On no account let them escape;
in your anger, O God, bring down the nations.
Record my lament;
list my tears on your scroll
are they not in your record?
Then my enemies will turn back
when I call for help.
By this I will know that God is for me.
In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise-
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
I am under vows to you, O God;
I will present my thank offerings to you.
For you have delivered me from death
and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

Psalm 57
Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
for in you my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
until the disaster has passed.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me.
He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me;
Selah
God sends his love and his faithfulness.
I am in the midst of lions;
I lie among ravenous beasts—
men whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.
They spread a net for my feet—
I was bowed down in distress.
They dug a pit in my path—
but they have fallen into it themselves.
Selah
My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth

I know this is something I will get through, but not on my own. With the prayers of my family and my friends, and of course my own. I know this is true.

This is fitting

Christianity and the Small Town Girl

So I grew up in a small town. The same town John Cougar Mellencamp sang about in the 80's in fact. You knew everyone, and everyone knew you and who's kid you were. You couldn't drive 2 miles without seeing, and waving to, at least 3 people. We had a few churches, but the one I went to, was the big Church of Christ, right in the middle of town. It wasn't a huge church, but it felt gigantic inside.
Growing up, we didn't attend church. I can't even remember being told about God, I am sure I was, because I knew ABOUT Him, but not all the "details" I started to go to the Church of Christ in 6th grade, with a friend of mine. I HATED going. I did, I'm not proud of saying that, but it's true. I basically went because I stayed the night at her house and her mom "made" her go. This was the kind of church that had organ music and hymnals. Sunday school classes before "real" church and a basement where all the potlucks were held.

What I did love, was Youth Group. It was supposed to be a time for all of us kids, to come together and talk about God. To talk about how He died for us, and how we are saved. We did that, but it just wasn't cool to be into it all. It wasn't cool if you acted interested. When you're 12,13,14 yrs old, being cool was your bread and butter! So I kept it hidden to everyone else in my life, when I left church, I didn't bring church with me. I didn't talk about going to church, I didn't talk about faith or quote the Bible, I just didn't let on that I went to church. Only the people AT church, knew it.

In 7th grade, I was saved. I talk about it here I can honestly tell you, back then, as strong as I felt about it, even though I didn't know all I know now (and let me tell you, I don't know THAT much now) I felt called to give my life to Jesus. I just didn't really know what that meant. Not the full extent anyway. I just knew that it seemed like the right thing to do. It seemed I SHOULD go to church, because going to church meant I was a good person. It meant people would see me as a Christian. Which was a moot point, since no one else knew I went to church, except the other people AT church. How very naive I was.

As an adult, I see things through much clearer eyes. I understand more now at 36, than I did at 12. What I still don't understand is, why I feel, sometimes,almost embarrassed to stand out and stand up and say how I feel about God. Why? Why do I care if someone will think "Oh GREAT! A "Bible thumper" because in reality, that's their thorn, not mine. Why do I care what people think of me, being a woman of faith? I am not ashamed to say I go to church. I am not ashamed to talk to my kids or my husband about my faith. It's everyone else "out there" who might think it's "not cool" to be a Christian. Or to believe. Everyone seems to have a stigma about praising God, or reciting Bible verses. In my heart, I can honestly say, I have a very strong faith, it waivers at times. Some times I don't make the BEST choices, I don't always follow the bumper sticker mentality.. WWJD. However, I can say, in my heart, I TRY very hard to live my life, in a way I can walk with my head up high. Sometimes I falter. That's ok. I give myself a break when I do. No one is perfect, no one.

What I believe is important to me. Having my kids raised in the truth and in the Word, are very important to me. If it's not popular, or if I get looked down on for it, that's ok. I want my kids to hold their heads up high, and walk into a room and KNOW, they are a child of God. I want them to be so full of faith, they are more concerned about following the ways of God, than following the ways of their peers. I want my kids to feel so confident in themselves, that if they lose friends, or don't get into the so called popular crowd, that they don't care. I want them to have the kind of character that will sustain them, even when it's tough.

I'm going to make a conscious effort now, to be proud of my faith. To be proud of my belief, and not worry about what others might think. I'm not proud of how I have felt in the past about sharing that side of me, I'm not proud to say, I've been embarrassed to be seen as a Christian, because now, it's time for me to forgive myself, and ask God to forgive me for that and move forward. Because what matters to me, is being the kind of person who lives the kind of life, that others will look at and see, being a Christian, is something to be proud of. Because I am proud of it. I'm proud to say, when I am so moved, I raise my hands in worship. Sometimes, I am so moved, I cry during worship, sometimes, I cry during the sermon, because it moves me so much. Sometimes I do feel, my pastor wrote his sermon for ME. Why should there be shame in that? Does it make me weak? Does it make me a loser? I don't believe it does. I'm not really concerned anymore, if someone else might think it makes me either of those things. If you're not going to be my friend, or talk to me, or acknowledge me BECAUSE of my faith and belief, then I suppose I am better off.

I am facing forward and remembering who I am, and WHO's I am. I belong to this world just like everyone else. I'm proud to be known as a Christian. I WILL quote the Bible once in awhile, I WILL sing worship songs out loud in Target if I am so moved, and I will fall to my knees in praise.

I am going to live my life with a purpose. I'm going to set myself free and reach down inside myself and pull on my faith to see me through the hard places in my journey.

Our pastor spoke tonight about character, and what convicts us. HE spoke of people who are SO outspoken about something. People that point their finger at someone else in disgust and shame them for doing or saying, or being something they think that person shouldn't be. If you peel back the layers of that nay-sayer's character, you see deep inside, they are so passionate about it, because it is the exact thing THEY themselves are struggling with. I know I'm guilty of that. Pointing my finger and loudly convicting someone else of something, I myself am guilty of doing. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it is the truth. What you get the most fired up about, is most likely something you yourself struggle with. That speaks volumes to me. I was so afraid of what other people would say about me if I stood up for my faith, that I would get so fired up at people who didn't do it, wondering where THEIR faith was if they were a so called Christian. In reality, I should have been asking myself that same question. Where is MY faith. I guess it's all about the journey right? This is my cross to bear. One I AM going to overcome. I want to be like Daniel, in the Bible, and stand up to peer pressure. I want to be and do, and behave in a way that maybe others would cringe over, or would make fun of me. I want to look past all of that and do it anyway. That's what Daniel did, right?.

What we believe, will determine how we live.

What you take in, will eventually come out, right? If you let in the bad garbage, you will let bad garbage out. If you surround yourself with good and take in only good, you will let out only good. That's how I want to live, I want to surround myself with good people, and people who aren't perfect, but are holding their heads up high, making their own journey to a strong, unbreakable, unshakable faith. I want to be around people who are proud to be a Christian. I want to hear the Good Word, and hear people's testimonies. I just want to surround myself in light, so that light exudes from me. It won't be easy, I know. I will hit rough patches, I will hit the proverbial, bumps in the road, but if I keep my eyes focused on the big picture, I'm going to be fine.. I will overcome!

So this small town girl is going to shake that feeling of shame, and kick it to the curb. I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud to be a child of God. He's proud of me, even when I mess up, He loves me. He loves me unconditionally, and that makes me VERY blessed.

Truth is knowing your character is shaped by your every day actions.
watch your beliefs, they become thoughts
Watch your thoughts, they become words
Watch your words, they become actions
Watch your actions, they become habits
Watch your habits they become character

Your character, is your legacy.

Vince Lombardi

I am inspired by...

HER

I wanted to share... I NEEDED to share this because I know you will enjoy it, be moved by it, be empowered by it and be strengthened by it like I have. Like a lot of my friends have. There is a back story, I will give you the Readers Digest version.

I've written about them before here

Stephanie(Affectionately known as Nie Nie) and her husband Christian (Affectionately known as Mr. Nielson) were in a plane crash in August of 2008. Both were in a fight for their lives, Nie Nie's sister Courtney(also a beautiful writer with a beautiful faith) kept all of us up to date on their progress, and of her time taking care of Nie nie and Mr. Nielson's beautiful children. A constant note was always present.. their faith in God, and their faith in God the great Physician.

A year has gone by, and Nie Nie is back to blogging, and sharing in her many trials and tribulations and sharing even more, her blessings and faith. She inspires me. I am betting she will inspire you as well.

Please go check out her blog, look at her beautiful pictures and feel, through her, the kind of love and faith I know I wish I had more of at times. There are so many to read, but they're all filled with hope and life and beauty. She is a beautiful soul.

Don't let this stop with you, pass it along, share it with people in your life, who will also be inspired and moved. Keep going back to read, because you will never be sorry! I promise.